Divorce, Rightly Divided

Mat 19:2 And great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there. Mat 19:3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

If you’ve been following along in our series on the Gospels in chronological order (all the notes are available here) then you probably know all too well the reasons why they’re asking this question. (See the message on the Blind Leading the Blind. The Pharisees criticized the disciples for breaking the law because they didn’t wash their hands before dinner! Then the Lord really lets them have it in Mark 7:5-13. He said, “For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men.” These elders turned the washing of pots and cups into laws, which was completely absurd. You can’t exceed the righteousness of the law by creating more manmade laws on top of God’s laws. You simply exemplified the rightness of God’s ways doing what God said to do in the law. This idea of adding laws on top of God’s laws was an insidious way of undermining the law and making the law become what they wanted it to be and not what God had intended.)

So let’s say there was a law and they added 50 laws on top of that one law. By adding 50 laws, suddenly the people now find themselves lost trying to comply with all these additional laws and they’ve forgotten what the original law said and how the original law modeled the rightness of God’s ways. Now they’re all worried about satisfying all these other 50 laws. Plus, over the course of adding of those 50 laws, the Pharisees had incrementally undermined the intent of the original law.

Let’s say there is a law. The Pharisees added 50 exceptions to that law. “Yeah, the law said to do this but we think that if you do this other token gesture instead, well, that’s good enough.” So all those exceptions added to the law made the original law completely null and void. And everyone is now so focused on the extra laws, they’ve lost sight of His righteousness found in the original law and they’re all living in a way that doesn’t even reflect the original laws. They have lost sight of God’s will and God’s righteousness found in the law.

What’s at issue here are Pharisees subverting the laws by piling on their own laws and exceptions – called the Talmud. In the OT, adultery was the only valid reason for a divorce in the first marriage, but because of all the exceptions the Pharisees have added to God’s laws, now it is possible for a man to divorce his wife for any reason. And now they want to know what the Lord thinks of all this.

In the OT, God never wanted His people to get divorced. He made it clear He hated divorce in Mal. 2:16, which said, For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away [divorce]: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. God hates divorce, particularly when it is done treacherously or without just cause, resulting in injustice against the spouse.

On the other hand, in Ezra 9-10, Ezra commanded the Jewish men to put away their foreign wives and children after the Babylonian exile. In Ezra 10:3, he says, Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. That wasn’t about keeping their race pure. That was about becoming unentangled with these Gentile unbelievers and idol worshippers.

Is that applicable to us today? What if we’re married to an unbeliever? Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7 to do our best to live in peace if we’re married to unbelievers. This is a major point that needs to be rightly divided. What was once commanded of Israel in time past is not required of us today.

Of course, a lot people point out that the Lord got divorced. In Jer 3:8 He says, And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. But notice something. Later in the same chapter in vs. 14, the Lord says I am married unto you.

How could He give her a bill of divorce and put her away but then say later I am married unto you?

The bill of divorce and the reference to marriage were only being used as illustrations to show Israel the sad state of their relationship with the Lord. It was like a divorce. He was divorcing her because of her adultery or, in that case, idolatry. He wasn’t literally getting divorced. He was using divorce to illustrate that state of their relationship to Him.

Of course, under the law, the only acceptable reason to get divorced was adultery. Deut. 24:1-4 is where you find the laws about the Bill of Divorcement.

Deu 24:1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

This type of situation is illustrated by Mary and Joseph. In that betrothal period, if a husband finds uncleanness in his wife (i.e., she’s not a virgin as he was led to believe or she had been unfaithful or if after they are married he discovers she’s been unfaithful), he could write a bill of divorce and send her away. She could also be put to death. A husband had that option (Matt. 1:19).

If a husband committed adultery, I am not away of any options. He was just put to death. But if a wife committed adultery, the husband had the option to show mercy.

There is some debate about Deut. 24:3-4. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Deu 24:4 Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife…

Wait. If the second husband hate her? Yes. Acceptable reasons for getting divorced seemed to have been less strict in the second marriage. The idea being that if she was allowed to live after she committed adultery in her first marriage, she had better be on her best behavior in the second marriage. If she was a hot mess and drove her second husband to hating his marriage, he had the right to release her from the marriage.

But that’s the second marriage.

Jump ahead to the Lord’s day. The Pharisees had so perverted the law that the people could get divorced for any reason whatsoever in their first marriages. That’s what the Lord is addressing here.

Mat 19:4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, Mat 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Mat 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

A question I have always had growing up is exactly what does the Word mean by a married couple becoming “one flesh?” I was never really satisfied by the answers I got. I remember once reading Jay Adams’ article on “one flesh”. Caution and discernment should be greatly exercised with him, because he’s a Calvinist. Nonetheless, he wrote, “Male and female marriage partners not only make an exact ‘fit’ sexually, but their maleness and femaleness ‘fill out’ or ‘complete’ one another in every respect. The two constitute a ‘whole.’”

Maybe.

I take comfort in the fact that Paul never really understood this concept either. He said in Eph 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Eph 5:32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

To me, the best answer to “one flesh” that satisfies me is that they are one in every sense. The two have become one unit to function as one person. They are one in every sense.

They’re one in a Physical Union.

This is a unique act of intimacy that physically joins two people in a way no other human relationship does. Paul even uses this concept in 1 Cor. 6:16 to argue against sexual immorality, because joining oneself to a prostitute makes them “one body” and “one flesh.” He used both terms. In a marriage, this is a physical union that is sacred and meant to be exclusive.

They’re one in an Emotional and Relational Union.

In a marriage and the consummation of that marriage, there is a deep emotional and psychological bond. It involves a deep intimacy where spouses share their deepest thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, dreams, and fears.

They’re one in a Spiritual Union.

For believers, the “one flesh” union also extends to the spiritual realm. When two individuals who are “in Christ” marry, their spiritual lives become intertwined. They pray together, study God’s Word together, worship together, and pursue God’s purposes together. Their shared faith becomes a unifying force in the marriage, which strengthens that bond and orients their lives to serving God’s will as one unit. I also think it’s possible for their souls to become intertwined if there is a great love there. That happened between David and Jonathan in 1 Sam. 18:1, “And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” When we read that their souls were knit together, a spiritual connection, their inner beings were bound up, tied together. This is a profound, deep, loving spiritual bond that they had.

They’re one in Unity of Purpose and Identity.

As believers, there should also be a kind of oneness in purpose and identity. Amo 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Ultimately, “one flesh” means that two distinct individuals now function as a single unit with a shared destiny and common purpose. Their lives become inextricably linked. Their individual identities are not lost but are re-defined and enriched being one unit with the spouse. So they together face life’s challenges and joys, as one whole, one unit.

So back to Matthew 19.

The Lord quoted Genesis 2:24. The “one flesh” union is so profound that it is really not meant to be broken. What God has joined together, “let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). There is a sacredness to the marital bond. It is a unique and holy relationship designed by God Himself intended to be the deepest human relationship, characterized by exclusive intimacy across all aspect of life. So “they twain shall be one flesh” in Matthew 19:5 describes a profound, divinely ordained unity that encompasses the physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and purposeful aspects of two lives joined together in marriage.

Mat 19:7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? (They are simply referencing Deut. 24). Mat 19:8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. Mat 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

What is going on here? He is telling them that He is still judging them according to the original laws, not the man-made garbage they piled onto the old Mosaic laws. They don’t exist in God’s eyes.

According to the original laws of Moses, if you put your wife away for any reason other than adultery and then you marry another, you have committed adultery yourself. You will be judged by God accordingly. They don’t get to ignore or redefine God’s laws to fit their own corrupt system by piling on a mountain of new man-made laws. Piling on all those extra laws to subvert the original laws doesn’t make the original laws null and void. They were in a covenant agreement with God to obey the original laws God had given them. They had no right to add to or to change those laws. They were simply responsible to God for obeying the laws He had given them. The Lord is telling them that God’s original laws are still in force whether they like it or not. Everything in God’s laws is preserved and all of Israel will be judged according to every detail contained in HIS original laws.

So the fact that they piled on all these new laws and made it possible now for them to get divorced for any reason whatsoever doesn’t make it so according to God. If they put away their wives for any reason other than adultery and then they married another, then they have committed adultery in God’s eyes. He will treat them as adulterers and judge them as adulterers.

There are churches today telling people that if you get saved and you’re married to an unbeliever and you’re in a second marriage, then you must divorce your second husband and remarry your first husband. And I say to them, “BASED ON WHAT?” Let’s not forget that remarrying your first wife was against the law! Remember what Deut. 24:4 said? Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife. Why? To force two divorced people to get remarried when they don’t want to be together and they don’t trust each other is nothing but trouble. So how would the Pharisee avoid the sin of adultery if he’s in an unlawful second marriage in the eyes of God? He would have to divorce his second wife and stay single to avoid judgment for adultery.

Make no mistake. ALL OF THIS must be rightly divided. NONE OF THIS has anything to do with you today. What? All of this is TO Israel and FOR Israel who were all UNDER the Mosaic law.

You are NOT under the law but under grace! (Rom. 6:14-15)

Divorce needs to be rightly divided in the Word of Truth.

Consider what Paul teaches in 1 Cor. 7.

1 Cor. 7:10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 1Co 7:11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

We have in these passages a list of priorities. Don’t leave. But if you leave, don’t get divorced. If you get divorced, don’t get remarried. This is a descending list of priorities, and through it all, the main objective is to be reconciled to your spouse.

Remember. We have here a descending list of priorities in this chapter. First priority: do not break up. Do all you can to reconcile. Second priority: but and if you do leave, do not get remarried. Do all that you can to reconcile with your spouse.

Then Paul talks about believers being married to unbelievers (1 Cor. 7:12-16). Try to make those marriages work. Then Paul talks about abiding as you are (1 Cor. 7:17-24). Don’t get married if you can help it. The only reason Paul said that was because of the present distress (1 Cor. 7:26) at the time. They were in the midst of a fierce period of persecution. In those circumstances, it was better to not get married. I would say the same thing to a believer living in North Korea right now. What’s the point of getting married if it’s inevitable the police will be arresting you for being a believer? And you’ll probably die in prison.

Then Paul returns to this subject of priorities in a disintegrating marriage.

1Co 7:27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1Co 7:28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned…

Just like the earlier passages, we have a descending list of priorities. Are you married? Don’t try to get out of it. Are you separated? Don’t get a divorce. Are you divorced? Don’t get remarried. But and if you marry, you have not sinned. (The word “remarry” didn’t exist in the Greek back then. When Paul spoke of a remarriage in Rom. 7:3, he said “married” and the implication was to be married again.) Context important here. In vs. 28, Paul says, “But and if…” He opens the verse with two conjunctions. There’s no question that this is a continuation of his thought in the previous verse. Are you loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. BUT AND IF you marry, you have not sinned.

The point here is to do everything you can to save the marriage, to keep the peace at home, to be reconciled to your spouse, but if you split, keep the door open to reconciliation. Priority #1 – reconciliation. Priority #2 after having split up – reconciliation. Priority #3 after the divorce – reconciliation. But and if none of that is possible and you remarry, you have not sinned.

We know reconciliation may not always be possible. You may have an abuser who is completely unwilling to be reformed. It’s okay to divorce and move on.

When Can We Get Divorced?

Did you notice that Paul was never specific about reasons it’s okay to divorce? Why? Because God is treating us like adult believers. We can figure these things out for ourselves without needing the old law to define acceptable reasons for a divorce. That law was for children. You are an adult.

This is why we say – if you’re a believer in an abusive relationship – get out. If your safety or the safety of your children are at risk – get out. If there is no chance your spouse is willing to be reformed or reconciled – get out. And Paul says if you remarry you have not sinned.

What Paul gave us were priorities to follow in a disintegrating marriage. Don’t look to be separated. But and if you’re separated, don’t get a divorce. But and if you get a divorce, don’t get remarried. But and if you get remarried – you have not sinned. What does all of this tell us? Priorities. This tells us that we have a descending list of priorities in these circumstances. Top priority through every stage of that disintegrating marriage is reconciliation and restoration with the spouse and leaving an open door to reconciliation. But that’s not always possible.

What Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7, you won’t find anywhere in the OT. Divorce is different in the age of grace. To me, there’s no question divorce has to be rightly divided in the age of grace.